Have you ever been torn on something? Whether it’s regarding a relationship, a job, or something as easy as, “I want pizza for dinner but I really should eat the food I have,” or “I really want to watch ‘Walking Dead’ but ‘Shameless’ is on at the same time.” Either way, I’m sure you have had some situation that wasn’t easy. Part of you feels one way and part of you feels another. Maybe you do what your brain tells you instead of what your heart tells you. Or maybe you do what your heart tells you and ignore what your brain says. I am in one of those predicaments right now.
Well, what do you do? Do you stay or do you go? Where do your loyalties lie? Do you put yourself first or do you stick it out for the time being in hopes that it will get better soon? I have always…ALWAYS been one to put others before me. I call it my “tragic flaw.” In literature, Oedipus was arrogant and Hamlet was indecisive. Who cares, right? No one is perfect. EXCEPT for the fact that those flaws are what led these otherwise “noble characters” to their eventual downfall. That’s me…right now. Is my loyalty going to bring me to my eventual downfall? How can loyalty be a flaw, you say? I guess it’s unique to my situation.
I’ve been dealing with some issues with one of my jobs the last couple months. It’s been rough. 2013 came and kicked me down right away! I have stuck it out because I thought it was the right thing to do. I THINK I still think it’s the right thing to do. The other parties involved expressed their “fear of me leaving” due to the changes. So I stayed. Why? Well, because they are good people. I love the kids and quite frankly, life isn’t fair. Things happen that aren’t controllable. So, the last few months, I have taken it day by day and rolled with the punches. What are these punches, you ask? Well, less money for starters. But it gets more complex from there. I have taken on other things to compensate. I’m just tired of working so hard…for so little. And by no means do I think I am the only one that has money problems or job issues. The answer (if there is one) to this predicament/decision is based on so much of who I am as a person. Which is why it’s so troubling.
There have been good days and bad. That’s true for everyone’s job, though. Working in child care isn’t easy. I’ve definitely learned that over and over the last couple years. So, this is where I am at right now…(the rock) I need to look out for myself and put ME first. A friend gave me her advice and said, “You HAVE to put yourself first. You’re not going to get anywhere if you constantly think of everyone else.” Part of me feels that is true. However, another part of me (the hard place) is yelling, “STOP BEING SUCH A BABY AND SUCK IT UP! Life throws lemons at you, make lemonade!” I just don’t want to get walked all over if there is somewhere else I could be happier and allow me to do the things financially that I need to do.
When I back up from the situation and look at the big picture, it seems like just a bump in the road. My mom said, “This isn’t going to be like this forever.” She’s right. It’s not. In about a year, I’ll probably be student teaching somewhere. And then I’ll hopefully get a job with an ACTUAL salary.
Through the fog…I will get through this. I will do certain things that will prepare me for anything. As for now, I just have to continue doing what I am doing.