Grief is a funny thing. It’s something I think everyone has whether it’s the symptoms of a recent loss or a loss that happened a long time ago. Everyone faces it at some point. Everyone learns to live with it. It’s not a hurdle you need to jump over. It’s a burden you carry with you. But this is life. Constantly moving. Constantly changing. Life can be great at times. It could be painful at times. We’re human. We feel joy. We feel pain.
One of my favorite lyrics from an Ingrid Michealson song is “All I know is I’m breathing. All I can do is keep breathing. All we can do is keep breathing.” That is how you continue on, you just keep breathing. Sometimes, It’s not as easy as it sounds.
At the end of this month we are having a Celebration of Life for my uncle. It’s something we’ve been planning for what seems like months. It has only been a little over a month since he passed. I am looking forward to this event. I will be able to spend time with my family. Family and friends will gather and show support and love, share memories and condolences. There will be laughing and crying, and we will come upon some kind of closure that everyone wishes to seek after a loss. Usually after a death of a loved one, you have the services almost immediately. That can give you a sense of closure quickly but it also doesn’t give you a chance to breathe. My family and I have been busy the last 6 weeks preparing for this celebration. It’s going to be so incredibly difficult. But a much needed gathering of friends and family. When it’s over, then what?
I just kind of feel like I’m in limbo. I think part of it really has to do with the weather being so bad and being stuck inside a lot. I’ve been working really hard on my school work, I try to give the best care to the kids I nanny, and I’m trying to learn as much as I can in Practicum. All welcome distractions.
I sometimes still can’t believe it happened. Since I am in charge of the slideshow for the memorial, I have been forced to look at pictures. When I look at them, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry. But I think in doing that, it has helped me remember him how he should be remembered. Most importantly though, I often see him in my dreams. And that is most special to me whether it makes me happy or sad. I still get to see him that way.
“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”-Peter and Wendy